An incredibly wise woman once said that the secret to having productive arguments that don’t create enemies is to define your terms and to use pronouns sparingly. That is good advice, especially the part about the pronouns. Using them sparingly is a wise course of action in every marriage relationship.
How many husbands normally refer to their wives only as ‘she’? A guy can go for 20 to 30 minutes and never mention his wife’s name. Things are no different for some women when they talk about their husbands. Rather than referring to them by name, they use the pronoun ‘he’.
We all know that words mean things. But beyond definitions, words also reveal what we think and how we feel about certain topics. For example, you can tell where a person stands politically just by listening to their words. Is the same principle applies to pronouns? To Rye, NY’s Relationships & More, it is.
People Have Names, Not Pronouns
When you were born, your parents gave you a name. You have been known by that name your entire life. Moreover, your name has a personal connotation to members of your family. It means something to them inasmuch as it represents you, as a person.
If you are a husband, how would you feel about your wife abandoning your name in favor of calling you ‘he’? You would probably be offended. Why? Because ‘he’ is generic and impersonal. Your wife could address any male that way.
If you are a wife, do you appreciate it when your husband refers to you as ‘she’ during conversations with your friends? Probably not. You might get especially angry when your husband does so in your presence.
Pronouns Are Impersonal
Pronouns are dangerous because they are impersonal. They are generic. You can refer to any woman as ‘she’ and any man as ‘he’. Husbands, you only have one wife. Wives, you only have one husband. Your spouse is a unique individual with a unique identity. Their name is a big part of that.
When couples refer to their spouses using pronouns rather than birth names, they are creating a disassociation in their minds – whether consciously or subconsciously. That disassociation reveals what might otherwise be hidden: a lack of personal attachment.
This is not to say that a husband who uses pronouns is not attached to his wife. That may not be the case at all. But using pronouns more often than not could be a sign that things are headed in the wrong direction.
Names Lead to Acknowledgment
There is a creative but anonymous marriage counselor who does not allow pronouns in his sessions. He requires husbands and wives to use birth names when referring to one another. If pronouns should slip out, he stops the discussion and waits for the correction.
His reasoning is quite profound. The counselor says that using proper names forces acknowledgment. A husband who refers to his wife by her given name is forced to acknowledge her whenever he does so. Likewise for women who use their husbands ‘ given names. Acknowledging the other person, as a person, creates a personal connection that is difficult to dismiss.
There is no single thing you can do to guarantee a happy marriage. A happy marriage is built on a lot of little things that add up. One of those things is the practice of using pronouns sparingly. If you are married, refer to your spouse by their given name. Do not use pronouns. Though it takes some effort, you will discover that it pays off over time
